Getting to the Heart of Parker

Since coming home almost 2 years ago Parker and I have struggled to connect in a real, deep way and this has troubled me. It’s not that he is not able to love because he is full of love, hugs and kisses, but to me mostly skin deep. I have not been able to get to the heart of him. He is genuinely loving to Greg and even the rest of the gang but with me it has been a battle.

During the Christmas break I learned that one of the caretakers from Hope orphanage was worried about him and wondered if he was doing ok since coming to America. She went on to explain that during Parker’s court appearance, which he was present for, his birth mother told the judge that she never loved him, nor wanted him. Going on to say that he was nothing but trouble and she didn’t love him. Hearing this did not go along with what Parker had told me about his mother. All the stories he shared with me were about his birth mother being so loving and sweet and how close they were. The caretaker said that he was hysterical and he shut down for a couple of weeks from a broken heart. I remember calling the orphanage director during that time, because I had not seen him in pictures and videos from the visiting families. I had assumed it was because he was at school or was sick. They informed me, that he was upset because he was sad that he had to stay in ET until Helena passed court. Not realizing that he was in fact grieving over what his birth mother had said to him and to the court.

My heart broke for him, I can’t even imagine saying that to someone I had loved and cared for. Which lead me to believe that this was said for the sake of letting Parker go, so that he would not hold on to the idea that someday he would return to him. With that thought my heart broke for her as well. I don’t know if I would have the strength to act that out. To love him so much that she had to let go of him forever.

After keeping this information to myself for a couple of weeks, understanding why he was not trusting of giving his heart to me with the fear that I too might someday break his heart, I decided to sit him down and have a heart to heart.

I chose to sit down with him and share with him the story of a time my mother had said things that hurt me when I was younger, but that I knew in my heart that she truly loved me and didn’t not mean them. They were said out of emotion and I am sure she wished she had never said them. Then I told him about what I had heard about his court date. As I proceeded to recall the event we both broke down and were sobbing. I explained to him that as a mother, who loves him that I believed with all my heart she did not mean those words, and how it broke my heart to know what he was holding inside. We sat there and cried for a good long time, just sitting hugging in silence, letting the tears and our hearts be mended together. I promised him that I would never leave him, and that I was his FOREVER mommy.

Since that exchange of heartbreak and healing things are so different. He is so sweet and affectionate to me, as I imagine he was with his birth mom. I even feel at times he is almost allowing himself to be vulnerable to me showing me just how needy he is for my love and affection.

He has been expressing his love to me in the sweetest of notes, as this one. I will treasure it forever!!!

Thank you Father God for giving me the insight that I needed to get to the heart of Parker. I pray that you continue to heal his broken heart and give me the promptings to fulfill his hearts needs. I am so grateful for the honor of being Parker’s FOREVER mommy. He is such a beautiful, loving child of God and my precious son.