Let Sleeping Parker's Lie

This is how I found Parker this morning as I entered his room to wake him up for school. Seriously, how does he sleep like that? I picked him up to wake him, and he looked at me and said "Mom, why are you holding me?". I explained to him that I was actually picking him up off the floor. He must have been in a deep sleep because he did not remember nor did he believe me. Thank goodness I had proof with the pictures I had taken. When he saw them, he gave me one of his enormous smiles and said "Mom, your not going to show anyone are you?". Knowing Parker who loves attention, I told him I was going to blog it, Facebook it and show it to all his friends and teachers at school. He may have said no with his words, but his eyes said yes!! He is too cute and cracks me up every day. I imagine he will have a sore neck today, if not a mad headache from all the blood to his brain. God bless that sweet child of mine!!

Getting to the Heart of Parker

Since coming home almost 2 years ago Parker and I have struggled to connect in a real, deep way and this has troubled me. It’s not that he is not able to love because he is full of love, hugs and kisses, but to me mostly skin deep. I have not been able to get to the heart of him. He is genuinely loving to Greg and even the rest of the gang but with me it has been a battle.

During the Christmas break I learned that one of the caretakers from Hope orphanage was worried about him and wondered if he was doing ok since coming to America. She went on to explain that during Parker’s court appearance, which he was present for, his birth mother told the judge that she never loved him, nor wanted him. Going on to say that he was nothing but trouble and she didn’t love him. Hearing this did not go along with what Parker had told me about his mother. All the stories he shared with me were about his birth mother being so loving and sweet and how close they were. The caretaker said that he was hysterical and he shut down for a couple of weeks from a broken heart. I remember calling the orphanage director during that time, because I had not seen him in pictures and videos from the visiting families. I had assumed it was because he was at school or was sick. They informed me, that he was upset because he was sad that he had to stay in ET until Helena passed court. Not realizing that he was in fact grieving over what his birth mother had said to him and to the court.

My heart broke for him, I can’t even imagine saying that to someone I had loved and cared for. Which lead me to believe that this was said for the sake of letting Parker go, so that he would not hold on to the idea that someday he would return to him. With that thought my heart broke for her as well. I don’t know if I would have the strength to act that out. To love him so much that she had to let go of him forever.

After keeping this information to myself for a couple of weeks, understanding why he was not trusting of giving his heart to me with the fear that I too might someday break his heart, I decided to sit him down and have a heart to heart.

I chose to sit down with him and share with him the story of a time my mother had said things that hurt me when I was younger, but that I knew in my heart that she truly loved me and didn’t not mean them. They were said out of emotion and I am sure she wished she had never said them. Then I told him about what I had heard about his court date. As I proceeded to recall the event we both broke down and were sobbing. I explained to him that as a mother, who loves him that I believed with all my heart she did not mean those words, and how it broke my heart to know what he was holding inside. We sat there and cried for a good long time, just sitting hugging in silence, letting the tears and our hearts be mended together. I promised him that I would never leave him, and that I was his FOREVER mommy.

Since that exchange of heartbreak and healing things are so different. He is so sweet and affectionate to me, as I imagine he was with his birth mom. I even feel at times he is almost allowing himself to be vulnerable to me showing me just how needy he is for my love and affection.

He has been expressing his love to me in the sweetest of notes, as this one. I will treasure it forever!!!

Thank you Father God for giving me the insight that I needed to get to the heart of Parker. I pray that you continue to heal his broken heart and give me the promptings to fulfill his hearts needs. I am so grateful for the honor of being Parker’s FOREVER mommy. He is such a beautiful, loving child of God and my precious son.

My New Year's Resolution- Letting Go

I know I have lacked in my success of posting every week as I so boldly stated last year, but it is not because I was sitting around eating bon bons, maybe somedays, but not all. I was merely giving myself grace to the realization I cannot do everything I set my sights on. But give myself and my time to my biggest priority- my grand family. I am not kicking myself for not posting, but I am slightly disappointed for those precious memories were not laid out for all to see. They are sadly locked away in my rather fogging mind.

The last two years we all have grown so much, including me. A little in pants size but more in letting go of my expectations over my kids, myself and my husband. I have learned to surrender to the reality that I will drop the ball in certain areas of my life. Since bringing Parker and Helena home, that area has been cleaning and blogging. It's not our newest additions are any more time consuming our home grown. Parker and Helena have brought such tremendous joy and richness to our family. I honestly cannot imagine our lives without them. It is more that I have a big family, including my husband, that need me. So it is not a sacrifice but freedom from the burdens I lay on myself.

I will not make another bold statement that I will blog every week, but rather whenever I can sneak a quick post, allowing a glance into the blessings and the special little moments in our daily lives.

Therefore, this year my resolution is to do my best, which will not be perfect. To know that I will drop the ball more times than not, not because I don't care but simply because someone big or small needed me more. Point in case, that I am just now getting to my new years resolution and it is almost May. I am however more hopeful in my pursuit to post since recently purchasing a laptop, thus allowing me to do my catch up on the road. Not while driving or anything crazy, but while I am sitting out in the hallway for 2 hours 2 days a week at Helena's speech therapy.

So this year I will be the passenger with my eyes wide open to the journeys that God will place before me. Not trying to control every aspect of my life but merely embrace each moment I am given. Yes, even those that suck up my time and my sanity. I give thanks to God for allowing me to be a part of His greater joys than those I have set my limited sight on.

Easter is for the Easter Bunny?

Note the facial expression below, no we did not eat pickles, but I mistakingly told the kids to say "Happy Easter" as uncle Tye snapped the picture.

That is what one child said when asked why we celebrate Easter at church Easter morning. Thankfully it was not my child. Not that they haven't had their glorious moments but this wasn't it. It is difficult for me to not get the kids so caught up in the Secular aspect of the Resurrection Sunday when everyone and everything around them screams Easter Bunny, candy, and more toys.

Each year gets more enjoyable for the kids are getting older and understanding more the true meaning of Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday. This year we celebrated Good Friday with Blake choosing his favorite gospel and then reading it to all of us before we took communion. As Blake read the passages I could see all of the kids (except Helena of course who's eye's were locked in on the piece of bread laid before her) processing the words they heard. After Blake read, I had each one tell me what the passage meant to them. I was so impressed with each one of their answers. They GOT IT, the idea that Jesus died for us so that we could be forgiven of our past, present and future sins and so we could be reconnected by the Father. We then took communion which I always love and wonder just what is going on inside those minds as we have our moment to pray quietly. Are they really praying or are they just thinking about their day, what goodies they are going to get on Sunday or what their favorite super hero is. We followed with watching the movie "Faith Like Potatoes", which is really a great christian movie about living by faith and giving it all to God, including laying down our burdens and trusting in our heavenly Father to see us through.

Sunday was filled with great moments both taking in the joy of the resurrection at our church service and by the family fun afterwards. Watching Parker and Helena this year decorating eggs and during the Easter egg hunt was great, not a surprise coming from those two smartie pants. They were all too funny and way too cute. Each one having a different color egg to look for. For the boys they were blue and green camo. Parker had the blue, which stood out making it easy for him to find. Reagan's on the other hand were green and they blended in with all the various shades of green foliage around the yard. We all had a to laugh watching Reagan look again and again, and again to find them. He was a pretty good sport but he has already requested that they trade colors next year. Blake yet still a kid at heart chose to be Greg's assistant in putting them throughout the yard. Boy it seems like just yesterday he was gathering little plastic eggs with his little wicker basket himself. Every day I am amazed at how quickly they are growing (physically, mentally and spiritually). I makes me wish I had a time machine to slow things down.

This last year has flown by, each day seeming to go faster than the one before, but every one a blessing filled with it's own wonder.

Father God I am so thankful for your ultimate sacrifice and for loving us so faithfully and unconditionally. Father, I pray that you continue to watch over us, protect us in body, mind and soul. Father, let us seek you in all ways and keep you close to our hearts. Let us remember your sacrifice and find ways to be the hands and feet and help those in need that are brought in our path. It's in your precious name I pray, AMEN.