Overall my life is great, better than great and I have nothing to complain about. How can I when I have been so richly blessed and have everything I every prayed for. That being said lately I have been feeling a little sensitive, well maybe very overly sensitive would be more honest. I have found myself feeling defensive about everything and everyone. Not only do I find myself walking on egg shells, but all of my loved ones as well. Feeling like I am an open wound taking in every weekness, insecurity, bout of anger, false sense of being of all those around me. A human sponge of raw emotion.
I am very good under pressure, but once I get passed the stressful situation and am safely on the other side I fall to pieces. With every move, family situation, life situation I react the same. So why I didn't see it coming I don't know. I, and we as a family have made it through so much this last year with the completion of our adoption, bringing the kids home, adjusting, home schooling, having a toddler back in the house, health issues, raising 5 kids and the holidays. Wow, so much I am surprised I did not crack sooner!!
But through it all we are blessed beyond measure. Every challenge was just a temporary issue. Our whole family is united, Sof is doing great in school, Helena is a healthy challenging 2 year old learning new things every day.
I am so grateful to God for continuing to whisper or in this case shout at me to wake up. For giving me peace and understanding of what was happening and the strength to stop. For allowing me, as always, to fall upon his strength and love, knowing he would see me through. I can't imagine how people with NO FAITH survive this human life. I know I could not nor would not want to do it alone. For God is my shelter, my high tower where I find refuge and safety. He covers me under his wing of protection and keeps me safe from the dark of the night.
I am thankfully feeling back to myself these days, feeling like I just went through rehab, delicate and fragile but on the road to recovery. Feeling stronger and more secure with each new day knowing that I owe it all to the one who trusted me with all of this to begin with.
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8 comments:
So glad to hear an up date but sorry you have been feeling this way. :(
I don't know how people survive without God either...May He continue to lift you up.
I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better now. I can understand a little bit of what you're feeling. Hang in there!
Oh Chris, I totally get where you are coming from. I am JUST now beginning to feel like I am getting back to my "old" self. I didn't see it coming either. Since our one year anniversary of coming home is in a few weeks, I can honestly say it does get better. I was in such a state of self loathing for so long. I questioned myself. I questioned my faith. I really didn't think I knew who I was and I wasn't who I thought I was. I have learned that I have to lean not on my own understanding. I have learned how to really pray for perhaps the first time in my life. Not just lip service, but throwing myself on HIS alter and truly praying for HIM to change me. I have become somehow MORE patient, MORE loving, and HAPPIER through my year of feeling impatient, unloving, and unhappy. God is great and the lessons he teaches us are tremendous! God Bless You.
Well hello my friend! This last year has been such a wild ride for us, huh?!?! I am so glad that you are doing well.
My mom had breast cancer a few years ago. I was strong thru it. Had to be, I felt. Well, when her hair started to come out, by the handfull, she wanted me to shave her head. Oh man. Sent me over the edge. Straight over. Wasn't myself for a long time after that. I am so with you about the faith. If I hadn't had it, I wouldn't have made it.
Everyone looks so great in your pics. I can't believe that you have a teenager either!!! How did we get to be this age? :)
Hey you! Hang in there! I can imagine you need Lisa and I to come with a few beers eh?! :) Hey listen for real though...coming to texas in August perhaps! To see you guys!! :) And Lisa too, for your agency's reunion...she didnt know of the dates for sure, do you? We're trying to get our summer figured out, so if you know or as soon as you do can you let us know asap! I have been dying for a new post from you-and walah, here they are! Sounds like all is well, tell Blake Happy Birthday from us and Ryan wanted to make sure he was learning those capitals for when we come out...it's trivia time! :)
Gina always seems to sum up what I would like most to say! I love my girls so much that I want to give them every ounce of the best of me, but some days I feel like I am not patient enough, or happy and upbeat enough, and I feel just plain tired and lost. When somebody tells me how great I am with them I sometimes feel like "yeah sure I am." I now have more days when I don't feel like this, but it's just really hard sometimes.
Chris,
I love your honesty and raw emotions! You have climbed Everest this year, my friend ... with no earthly tools ... simply the Lord tethering you in. I am awed at all you have come through! The pictures of the kids on the side "The fab five" are just beautiful! Sof is an absolutely beautiful boy, Helena is as cute as they come with those locks of curls and of course, Blake, Reagan and Caitlyn are just awesome ... they too have been through so much change and with such grace! Caitlyn looks just precious in her matching sister dress. I hope she is enjoying showing her little one the ropes! As we tell Dakota ... she is the princess and Maliah is the Empress. They think that's fun (of course .. so appropriate for the almond eyed beauty).
I miss you. I hope to re-connect soon!
Chris....I am late in reading this..trying to catch up. And just want to hug you. Your authentic openness is inspiring. You are so right about how God is right there, when we are down or sensitive or overhwhelmed. He is the lifter of our head, if we allow. I too have been going through some hard emotions...and just keep coming back to God and his word.
What you shared reminded me of the Esther bible study (Beth Moore) that I am in the middle of.
He calls us to a life that is different, sometimes hard, sometimes lonely and so blessed.
I am looking forward to my struggling season to pass...since it is internal struggling and not my circumstance.
I know His word and life is our life line.
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